Thought post

Hello! I believe I haven't been updating any of my personal stuffs here for quite some time. But today, I need some space for me to spill. 

Not exactly having any good day or any happy mode on for this week. Not really sure why, but my mind is kinda like a car that keeps going forward and running into things that made me stumble and fall. I can't exactly fanthom my thoughts into words. 

I guess the only word I find close to my feeling is hopelessly unhappy. Yes, for those of you who have read some of my past posts, you'll probably know that I'm a negative person who's striving really hard to be positive haha. School had been a mess, having lots of minor tests in a week. Mid year's exam is just around the corner. A lot of coping to do but my mind seems unable to concentrate well. 

Thoughts running through my mind: "How can someone take everything you did for them granted and make you feel unaprecciated but you still have the urge to treat them better?" When I was in form 3, my Chinese teacher had his point of view which now I can finally relate to, "Treating people nice, is treating yourself cruel." (Apologies for the straight away translation from Chinese) Truth be told, I used to think "If you want to be appreciated, you must first appreciate others." That was my point of view. But now I'm having second thoughts because people I'm socialising with or people I'm in touch with nowadays seems to be showing me how true and how relatable to what my Chinese teacher said. 

Treating that important someone nice for no special reasons is what I've been up to. But I find myself unhappy and tired of the response I get from that someone. It makes me feel like I'm giving all my love out to someone who took it for granted and now there is no love left for myself. Isn't that kind of like treating myself cruel? I'm not saying that I'm comparing how much I give and how much I get in return. I'm saying that I'm somehow very disappointed in myself because I felt unloved. 

That someone made me felt stupid because of how nice I am towards him. Giving out love was suppose to be a happy thing because I like seeing other people smile of joy when I show my love towards them. Now, what I can feel is I'm throwing out my love to someone who doesn't care. Or is it that I just can't feel that someone cares or not? Complicated yet mind blown to think about. 

"How to let that someone know what you are thinking?" Advice I've heard is you just got to have courage and tell them honestly what you are thinking. I find that hard for me. I'm just not the type that blurts everything out. I keep some in heart and some in mind. How I wish that someone will eventually find out how I feel about this whole thing.

I tried making myself busy. Just like what they say, if you make yourself busy and focus on the things you should do, you will think less and be happier. I'm tired, so tired of making myself even tired. A lot of boxes are yet to be ticked in my list. It's just isn't working well. Any suggestions? 

-sorry for the negativity, therefore I'm adding on some positivity to this post. 

-Sending lots of love from Giselle.