Am I wrong?

Hello, I haven't been updating lately. Too much obstacles to go through in life. So stressed that I feel like typing out may be the best way to sooth it. 

To the point of this post. What is communication? I googled, it's "the imparting or exchanging of information or news." Okay let's make it easier to understand, it just means asking questions about each other and exchanging information about each other's life or whatever the partner is going through am I right? To me, communication is a way of caring, as in a way to show love, to show how much you care about someone. 

It got me so confused and lost when someone actually told me that there have been too much questions and hardly any time for answers. I'm lost. I feel like I'm in a total mess. Wait a second, at that moment I don't know how to express myself anymore. All the thoughts rounded up in my mind, I couldn't seem to express my thoughts into words. Alexithymia - a relatively new term which means the inability to express feelings with words. 

I don't know what to say or what to do. It kept me thinking, what is it I've done so wrong that I'm being treated like I'm a problem to you? Or what is it that's making you feel that sharing your problems or telling me what you're going through is giving you much pressure? You said you feel like you have to report everything to me. Was it really like this? Why is it like this? Why can't you just take it as telling me will make you feel better. Make you feel less pressured because I'm here looking out for you. 

Did you have to do this? 

What is it that you had to make me feel so unworthy of your time or your patience. Do you exactly know what you're saying when you spit the words out loud? Do you? Or does it seem to you that I'm strong enough and whatever you said won't hurt me? I care enough. "It's the ones that you love most that can hurt you."  Words are as sharp as knife. You can never forget the pain somewhere deep down your heart. These words cut me deep, and which the scars will never be shown but will stay there forever. Did you have to do this?

How to face someone who you don't even dare to stare at into the eyes anymore because all you can feel is upset? Even upset when you know it's hard but you're still pushing yourself, trying to act normal or trying to act okay. Is this normal? Am I wrong? Am I making the wrong choice simply by trying to covering up for you every time you make me feel I'm something less worthy. Because I shouldn't feel that way. This whole thing only works if it's actually making me or helping me to be a better person, but instead, I feel shittier every time something happens. You won't make me feel like I'm being considered or being thought of. The only thing you will make me feel is guilt and guiltier all over again. No matter what happens, in the end it's always my fault because I'm the only one who will think back about it and actually feel bad or sorry for what I've done. While you're there, thinking that there isn't any problem between us. That is you. That is your problem. You're trying to run from our problem. You did not speak of how you feel, you did not ask about any solutions. Will you ever notice? I tried. You didn't because you don't think you need to. 

Then there's us. Me with a lot of thoughts going through my mind, constantly thinking how to work things out and trying real damn hard to communicate normally with you, overthink  almost every midnight where the thoughts haunt me from my sleep and yet there's you with a busy schedule, having no time for my questions, having time for your other friends, having zero patience towards talking to me instead of releasing how bad I always feel. I have to put up with all your dramas, all your "not so important" but kept to self thoughts, I have to put up with seeing you being so happy while I'm here feeling like crap. 

You're something like this, full of thorns. How pain when I try to touch you. But you didn't know instead at times, you hugged me even tighter and I bleed but because you're happy, I try to be okay. But what about me? Who can see the pain in me? I tried. What about you? Did you? 

What haunts me most is that I'm afraid of letting go, because I'm afraid that I will feel better if I did.

Love, 

Giselle