Random Thoughts: What am I doing?

What am i doing with my life? I don't know because as I'm writing this post, I feel lost. It's just confusing between what I want and what I need. 18 but why do I still feel like I'm a kid. Partly because I still am? Grow up? When will I understand the real meaning of growing up? When will I get it that grown-ups take responsibility of things but I'm just such a horrible person in taking responsibility. I only like to do things when I feel like it or when I have that particular mood for it. This is bad isn't it? Grown-ups don't do things according to their mood/ feelings. Grown-ups do things that they know is necessary and they know which is more important to focus on during that particular period of time. Growing up is kind of hard. Funny isn't it?

Why am I even thinking about falling for it when I know it's just in my dreams, the type of guy is just one of my ridiculous imagination. Why am I even so interested in you when clearly you don't show much interest in our conversations. You're just spinning around, talking about random things but never personal or deep, typically just being friendly and I'm like falling for whatever I think you're doing. This is just so ridiculous. I always always always fall without looking then I got hurt and I act like I'm still tough. If you're not ready then don't try to show you are, because the only thing I can feel from you is that you are still trying to let go, still trying to forget, and that you probably are confused whether you should try harder on knowing me more or just let it flow? I believe that good things takes time, I hope you do too. I'm not saying we might be it, I'm just saying I wonder what happens 3 months from now? What happens then? Will we still be talking tho.

I feel like it's sort of a good thing? Like good thing I met you and thank you for reminding me how a person going into adulthood should act like. Thank you for reminding me that studies are my top priorities and then family always comes first, friends are only there when you're having fun, and that you need to go through tough times alone to learn how to be independent and grow up. Thank you for reminding me that it's going to be better, and that if I work hard now, a brighter future will be waiting for me. I don't know how you do it. I honestly have no idea which part of you am I even falling for. But haha thank you for being a random stranger passing through my life and reminding me stuff in those small gestures of yours. I barely even know you but you just reminded me so many things about my life. You sort of reflected me, like give me a glimpse of what am I doing now in my life. Thank you for actually pushing me further to think this through. I really hope you won't just leave like how others do. I hope our conversations won't go weird and awkward.