In need of an escape

IT'S WEIRD.

- forgive me for this post is a bunch of thoughts that were never meant to be shared here. 

Just like what the title says, I need an escape. Well, to be more specific, I need a break from people. I sort of need time to reflect on who am I and what am I doing with my life. What do I actually like and don't like, what do I actually want and don't want or need in my life. Sometimes I thought I new who I was, sometimes I thought I understand myself, I thought I knew myself well enough  to know why I acted in a certain way in front of certain people, but sometimes I still wonder why exactly. Deep down inside, I'm searching for answers, for what am I? Who am I? 

"This post really shouldn't be posted here, but I have no where or no one to turn to. I usually tweet my feelings out, not because so that some friends of mine can show their care for me, I honestly don't care. The only reason why I tweet out how I feel is because after that i would feel a sense of relief, but now not anymore. Somehow my family member had found out about my account and sometimes brings up things I've tweeted and gave me some sort of care and support ?? Uhm, which I do not need at all. To be honest, why'd you think I rather tweet things out and maybe let a bunch of idek online people to know about me instead of telling you?"

Sometimes when I'm tired, I tend to let my mind go blank for a while and think about everything. For now, I have been thinking, to be me? Or to be who I wanted to be? You would probably say isn't being me and who I wanted to be the same thing? But is it really? I have always wanted to be someone who is considerate, someone who doesn't really care about what other people thinks or judges and just carry on with what I think is right, in the meantime listening to advice from people who care for me and then deciding what is the right thing to do. That's a part of what I wanted myself to be, but am I really like that? I don't think so... I often come to be seen as inconsiderate because of my lack of discipline, independence and my inability to communicate or express myself. I often care so much about what others think of me that I can get a little anxious at times. I never really effectively listens to advice, I mean I do listen to them but usually I treat them as if they were nothing useful and then I make a fool out of myself in the end for not accepting advises. I'm such an indecisive person that I don't even know what I want sometimes. I can't make small decisions well, not to mention bigger and heavier life decisions that requires a lot of responsibility. I never think twice about the consequences before I do something. I'm practically the opposite of everything I wanted myself to be. 

Maybe, just maybe, I have different sides of me? Who knew? Since different sides are only presented in different situations. I wish I am who I wanted to be but maybe I'm just not, maybe I'm just me and that I have to know that. I'm a mess, pretty much a headache to my own self.