Posting old drafts: Why I Hesitated.

If you read it from here then I hope what you read from here, stays here.

"I will never admit that I am scared." 
I guess one of my biggest fears is showing someone my flaws. The ones that are deep inside of me and how I really am. I'm afraid of the fact that they might leave. I'm afraid that one day, they may wake up, see all of me and realise that they can no longer find the reason to love what is in front of them. It's the fear of being given up, left, forgotten, having to know that no one else actually cares.
And that no one will actually try to understand.

When you first meet me, you will probably think
"Oh wow, this person looks kinda serious & hard to talk to."
Well, at least that was what most of my friends told me when I asked them what was my first impression.
When you actually get to know me as a friend, you will find that I laugh a lot, mostly nervous laughs or just randomly laughing at things that are not quite funny.
I act a little crazy sometimes, spontaneously doing things that you wouldn't have expected.
I joke around, but can also sometimes cry at stupid things.
I like to annoy my friends (in a fun way) and I'm pretty sure they will complain about how annoying I can be at times.
At this point, you might start to feel like you know me quite well.
But then again, not really.
You only find and/or see the things/side I decided to show you.
The part of me that I wrap myself in.
The safe and comfort zone for me to be part of who I am.

Humans are emotional creatures. 

We have emotions and then we have feelings. Emotions are unconscious signals that our body is constantly giving us. It comes and go. We tell ourselves that we are intelligent and able to make rational judgements, but deep down inside most of us are inclined to act emotionally and it can ruin our ability to carry out accurate and sensible judgements. Feelings however, is what we develop when we have experienced all sorts of emotions and our brain consciously interprets them. Feelings are much deeper, has layers and much more complicated than we think.

Highs and lows are a part of life. Everything was all good until the 'lows' hit you. I can get really low and it is sometimes unexpected. Deep inside, deep down inside, I have always had this feeling. I felt like I might be a burden. A burden to the person that I decided to show this part of me to. A burden because it was as if I am a cup full of negative energy, sad, demotivating, heavy and tiring.

How ironic is this? Hoping to find someone that can understand me but at the same time, I just wouldn't let anyone in. Because I know that "Who would understand?", "Who will be able to carry this cup?" and most importantly, "Even if someone is capable of carrying this cup, why would they want to?" I don't want to flood someone with what I have had enough of. I want to be able to give positivity and share the good I have.

Then again, what is there to give when all I have, is this.
So this is why I hesitated. Because I know in the end, no one will want a cup full of heavy rocks. And neither do I want to give this to anyone, especially the ones I want to love. This is why I always take a step back, always telling myself I'm not ready for this, I shouldn't be doing this if I already saw it coming, I don't deserve this. 

People ask, "Do you not want this?"
 "Don't you want to at least try to give what you can?"
I do. Words cannot describe how much I want it and I can't remember how many times I have told myself that I should try. Try to give what I can, try to fill up their cup and maybe... they will be able to take some rocks off me too. Even so, what can I possibly give? What can I offer? I will just end up feeling even more drained than before. I will wear myself up.
This is the sad truth.

I believe that in order to give love, you have to have enough love in your own cup. Enough love to be able to share it with someone instead of giving it out, pouring it all into someone's empty cup. I believe that it requires mutual give and take to the extent that it can be balanced. So that both sides can each have a full cup.

Holding a cup full of heavy rocks, not knowing where did they came from.
I wonder:
"Where will I be able to leave this pile of rocks behind?" 
"Will I be able to bury them and plant flowers above them?" 
"When will I ever start filling my cup with what it should be filled?" 

I might find a place in this world someday, but at least for now, I've got to find myself.