Breathe?

Greetings. It's August 7th, 01:29a.m.

It takes years to build up a castle with the right material that can withhold any storm, but days for the princess to realise the material she was using was merely as strong as her conscious.

The past few days have been quite a roller coaster ride for me, mentally and physically. I really feel like I need to talk this out to someone and get another perspective on it and whether am I dealing with it the best way possible.

Basically, 2019 have been a pretty rough ride, since I have been tough on myself but at the same time feeling pity for myself because of how tired I am with the amount of things I have on my own plate. I am putting too much on my own plate, expecting myself to be at a certain standard but not allowing myself to take any rests. Clearly, overestimating myself and my ability. 

It is to the point where I start to doubt myself because of failure. 

Am I suited for what I am doing? Am I capable to handle what I am doing? Am I fit for this? 

Self-doubts floated all around my head especially moments where small failures hit me like a shipwreck. I felt so weak, like I wasn't meant to be here. It felt like I am of no competition with others who are here and I am probably the dumbest one around. And this, was what became the stressor now. The stressor is my own capability. I stress about whether or not I am good enough because I have been trying and I feel like I have been giving my best but I don't see the result that I longed for. I feel like I'm running out of time, running out of chances and I am slowly proving myself to become a failure. 

To be clear, I am not afraid of failure because it shows that more work needs to be done, and more effort was needed to try again. What scares me is that, I am running out of tries, I have been trying every time but it doesn't turn out to be the way I hope it would. I seek for advice from my close friends, hoping that maybe they would help shine some light. But instead what I received was doubts from them about my efforts. They said, "When you said you tried, did you really try? Because to me, it didn't seem like you did." Honestly, those words broke me a little inside.

  Do I have to show people my actions for them to believe or to feel that I have given my best? Am I doing it for them to see or for me? 

Instead of giving me any useful advice or guidance, what I received was discouragement. Again, I am not saying that I wanted my friends to go ahead and agree with me and tell me that "It's alright, maybe you weren't fit for this". I am saying that, some practical guidance, analysis of the issue and how I could've handled it better next time would be nice. 

The stressor had then led me to more stressors that are direct and indirectly related. I think about stressor A a lot and I realised how stressor A will lead to situation B, then I stress about situation B happening and then I remembered problem C is also one of the issue that I have to deal with at the same time. All of them together, took a toll on me. I couldn't get my mind off them, thinking that I would again fail to do well, that maybe the problem is me. 

Once again, I wanted to hide. 

I wanted to disappear from everyone, from the reality ... My mind kept telling itself that it is unwell, not functioning, not up to par. I couldn't focus when I try to, couldn't sleep when I want to, and couldn't even think properly as I find myself gazing off at times. 

I cried. Sad, happy, angry, tired, I cried. My emotions were a mess and I couldn't control it. 

I needed a break, I want to leave. But all I can do at the moment is to breathe. You have no idea how important breathing is until you've experienced the moment where your lungs felt like they were compressed by your ribs, your heart felt like it skipped a beat and there was a wall pressed against it, your airway felt like they were blocked by the food you just ate, your every breathe felt like mini breathes with barely any oxygen in them. 

That was it. 

I am filled with frustrations, despair, yet lost my strength to find the source of it. 

Tell me what's worthwhile.