Letting go of control

"You will find whole healing" 

"You will find yourself along the way, even though you may fall or hurt yourself"

To you and for myself

It really isn't the end, nor am I writing this to say goodbye forever. 

I am writing this so I can close this chapter, to hop on the train to the next station, 

with or without you.

It's been a month, I have come to terms that I just couldn't let you go. How could I possibly had enough of you when I still see so much potential of what could have been. I don't know you yet in reality. I don't think it was you. I once read this poem in a bookstore, on a day where all i wanted to do was to not think of you. 

"i don't think 

it was you.

i didn't fall for you

i fell in love 

with your potential 

to be what i thought

i needed at that time"

I think too much. I think I think of you too much. Then i felt too much. Much of what I had known about you was all in my head. These thoughts build up to made me think that i had really know you. 

But do I really? 

I needed someone to hold onto and you were there.

and so i held onto you, thinking that you would too.

My desire to want to know you so badly, to follow you and long for you.

I had left myself behind. I lost me.

Haunted by your potential, I couldn't move on, knowing that right now the universe is not on my side.

I often question, why did the universe let us meet just like that, just to let us part and go our own ways. Only the universe will know - the many answers I seek for the things I cannot control. 

Drowned in worries, I had sleepless nights. 

Mornings where i woke up with dried up tears on my pillow. Thinking that as days pass by, maybe I would feel otherwise. That my mind would clear itself and my heart could catch up.

That wasn't the case and I started to hate myself.

Hating myself for feeling so hopeless, helpless and weak. 

For not being able to see you as what you clearly are right now, i let the potential of who you could have been cloud me.

These thoughts, potential of you, had became ghosts.

Though I have said all i needed to say and what i want with you, it didn't matter to you. 

I tried so hard to move on, focusing on the fact that I have to because you couldn't stay. 

I tried so hard that somewhere along the way, I lost myself. 

Unconsciously, I guess I had lost myself while trying to keep the things that weren't meant to stay. 

I had forgotten why I tried and I felt exhausted from trying so hard in life. I lost purpose, thinking how meaningless life is. I lost the feeling of belonging to somewhere and someone. 

I had forgotten how to live with myself.

For now

I will let the universe take its path. I will let myself go.

To believe that what is ours will stay or find its way back to us.

To believe there is a lesson behind every miserable "why" that I had asked the universe.

To believe that I do deserve and it is not me that you could not stay.

It is not my call or under my abilities to make you stay.

To believe that it's not just I want you, but rather you must want me yourself.

To believe that I am not the only one in the whole universe who will go through this chapter.

To believe in the universe and the flow of life, that you were meant to pass me by for a reason; and even if i do not know or may not be able to see it now, i will in the future and i will understand. 

In order to find healing, i must trust and let go of trying to control how i feel. 

If i feel sad, then i am sad.

I must let my strong desire go. 

And for that,

i took a long walk home the other day.

Passing by a water fountain, 

i took out a penny i had in my pocket and prayed.

I never understood why do people pray when it clearly wasn't an immediate solution.

but for the first time in my life, 

I prayed for god, i prayed for the universe.

I understood now,

how others just wanted something to hold on to, 

something that they can believe in, to keep them grounded.

and so

I prayed that my cry for help has been heard.

I prayed that the ghosts of you could let me go.

I prayed that i can let myself go.