I don't understand.

I'm taking a trip down the memory lane. There isn't really much to share about,but I just had the urge to write it all out, to spill that bottle of memories and feelings I have kept in my heart.

Exams were just over today. Honestly, this whole month of SPM trials, I'm not even sure did I even benefit anything from it. Back to the start of the exam, I didn't take it seriously like how you'd imagine a good student will. I did study harder for it, but not hard enough. Trials results are going to be the death of me. I guess I was just distracted by many things in life. Life is hard, always hard for me. Maybe because I look at life in a wrong angle, I looked at things in a wrong angle too. That's why I'm so negative. I wasted a lot of time, thinking what to do to improve on my life that I didn't even try to make it happen.

As I was saying, I can't 100% focus on my trials because I was having too much thoughts about me and him. Now that there's no us anymore, I feel so lost. I lost my direction. What is it that I'm thinking about me and him? Everything. Everything that made us how we are now. Even before trials started, I can already feel the way you treated me. You mistreated me purposely, you didn't think twice about me or my feelings, you tried to be as busy as you can to avoid me, you don't even try to talk to me. I can feel it all, but I had no idea why it all happened. I mean we were still in good condition before this. No arguments or disagreements, just we're not as happy as we are compare to the start. Until now, each day I thought of it, I still don't understand how this all happened so fast. How did we end up losing each other so quick, like a tornado took your heart away from me.

I didn't want to accept the fact that we are not good anymore. I always thought I can fix this, we can try again and be better. But I don't know starting from when, you already knew we were not okay and we can't be. Why did you have to do this? Telling me now that you can't accept the way our relationship works. After so long????? After about half a year of being together and now you're telling me that you have been tolerating me all the time? And that you can't take this no more? How could you? Is it really that hard to love me? To be together? If it's that hard, then why say you still love me when you already don't? Why still ask me to not think so much when you, yourself already thought about it???? Now that you've got your own mind cleared up, you just force me to accept what you wanted?? Have you ever thought of me? Have you ever thought of how I feel? How hurt it can be when you told me that you can't force yourself no more.

I can't accept it. Even until now, all I can feel is pain and bitterness from you, because you didn't say it when you should. You pushed me up higher, giving me more hopes that we're okay and then now you throw me down??? WHY SO CRUEL? WHY SO MEAN? You said you feel that even though we are together, but we can't really compromise? Why is this, I'm not sure why even though I feel so too, but I still couldn't convince myself that we are not suite for each other. I didn't want to let go, but you pushed me away. If you really loved me, you would've think twice, you would've find a better way to solve this, you would've thought of how I would feel. But you didn't. I should know that you didn't.

I can't even look into your eyes, I can't even stare at you or anything that has to do with you. My mind is still processing why is my heart willing to give so much to someone that does not value me like how I valued them. My mind is still searching for reasons of why I can't give up on you, why I don't want to give up on us.

- Giselle.