What's worst?

The worst part of it all wasn't losing you. It was losing me. 

有些感觉不知道要怎样形容 有些话不知道要怎样表达 有些人不知道该不该忘记 有些东西不知道还来不来得及 有些伤痕不知道该怎么面对 有些事不是说过去就过去；而我不是说潇洒就潇洒 不是说拿得起 就一定放得下 拿起的那天 谁会去想放下的一天 谁会想到放下比拿起更辛苦；但总有一些人是要等到错过了才会后悔 总有一些东西是要等到失去了才会珍惜。 

All the feelings I've been keeping deep down inside, I find it hard to explain. So much words left unspoken, I find it so hard to be mouthed. All the passer by in life, can I really let go? Can I really let them come into my life and leave just like that? Even if I know they were meant to be in my life to teach me a lesson. But how could I possibly let them leave when I didn't even get the point of the lesson? Some things might be too late, too late be be back like how it used to be. Too late to figure out what's wrong or where's the problem, because no chance were given to solve them, no time was given to change what's wrong. 

Some people might be too late to hold on to. The moment they decided they wanted to walk away and leave you. You can't possibly hold onto them and don't let them leave. It's too late to ask them stay since they wanted to leave so badly. But may I ask the one who wishes to leave, why so selfish? Why so self-centred? Why did you only thought of yourself and said it's for the best of us? You were expecting me to respect your decision, but did you ever respect mine? Did you ever thought about me? About my feelings? Is leaving really the best for us? Or is it just the best for you? Because you wanted to hide from all this, you're tired of all this, you're sick of all this. But it's all you! Then why in the end, I have to be the one who needs to pay the price? Why in the end, I have to be the one living a less better or happier life? Why in the end, I live like I fell from heaven and you're the one who pushed me down from up high? This isn't fair. This isn't right. This isn't how it should be. You were what I wanted but not like this. You were wrong. You should be the one who's paying the price. You should be the one living a less happier life thinking of what you did to me. Tell me, how can you be like nothing big had happened in your life? How can you go through everyday just like the other days? How did you do that? All I am now, is damaged by you. Is broken by you. I'm broken, but do you know that? If yes, do you even care? Do you even have feelings? So many questions, but the answers are so clear. I may not get it from you, but in mind, do you really think I'm stupid enough to not know your answers towards these questions? 

You said move on. Where do I go? Easy for you to say because you're not the one who needs to move on. You already did, without me. Leaving me behind and I thought you said you'd never leave me. I should've known then what I know now. 

Some scars are given as a reminder of a lesson in life. Scars that are so deep and painful may take years in life to recover from. These scars are all over me. But the only thing I got reminded from them are the pain I feel when I got them and not the lesson instead. Too much that only reminds me of more pain. Milder pain each time I think of it. But don't you get it? The pain is always there. I don't know how to face it. I don't know how to stand up strong, I feel with myself, I can't make it. You only know how to give advices, opinions, cheer and ask me to get up. But do you know how hard? And did you know how much effort I've put in trying? You didn't know a thing and you thought I'm so weak. You thought I wanted to be negative. I didn't have a choice did I? Did I get to choose weather to fall or not before? Did I even get a sneak peak that I was going to fall from so high and break my wings? It isn't fair. 

What's past is past. But it is still there, just in the past. It did happened. So how can you let it go? You can only let it stay in the past and move on. But past is what we remember most, what we feel most whenever we thought of it. The past is always there. You look back and you remember every little detail of when how and why it happened. You can't say it didn't happen, it did. 

I'm not a easy going person myself. I hold on to things even though I know I shouldn't. I don't easily let go of things especially people. I don't understand. Is it really so hard to just stay together? You left me in pieces, too hard to breathe. What I'm keen on keeping, are the things that hurt me most in the end. Who would've thought that letting go is harder than holding on? Who would've knew this day would come so fast? Shattered hearts, tears falling. No apologies. He'll never see you cry, pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why. 

Some things are meant to be gone, so that you'll regret. Some people are meant to leave, so that you'll learn how to appreciate their existence before. You only realise what you had, once you lost them all. And I believe you only know how much you love her, when you let her go. I hope you remember this day, this moment, this feeling, because this was what you wanted. 

I felt sad. Because in the end, the worst part of all, was losing myself. Losing me. And finding myself, needs so much courage, time and patience. 

Love, 

Giselle