Cycle (Old drafts #3)

- To two years ago -

Why do people like to go back to the ones who hurt them the most? Often, we miss the happy memories, not the person. Or maybe, we forgot about the sad memories because they hurt too much, so we kept reminding ourselves of all the good times and hoping for more.

When things stopped working out, when I stopped talking to this person, part of me thought things had ended easily because I simply didn't care. I guess I was already preset to move on whenever I sense things deviating, but somehow another part of me was honestly hoping he did care and would come back to me before I give up and leave. 

Fast forward to three weeks later, a series of flashbacks brought me back to the bottom. I find myself missing what we used to be. I begin to think of the reason for why things happened, why did we stopped being close friends? Part of me will always want to find out what went wrong, while some other part of me will try to deny myself. It's a cycle - just like three weeks ago when it happened. 

I don't think anything can justify why I felt this way. Telling myself that if I still care, I would have talk to him, I wouldn't have let it slid by. Meanwhile, at the back of my mind, I was having doubts that maybe I did wanted it back. Would it have been easier if I was honest with my feelings from the start? Or would it be easier if we simply forced ourselves to move on? After all, life has its own course and everything happens for a reason. Not every interpersonal relationships were meant to last forever in your life.

Maybe I did wanted him to still be in my life.